Saturday, November 17, 2007

Figured out one of my wall pieces Current mood: energetic Ok, so if you've read any of my blogs or have known me for a while, you may know that I was raped when I was 13... If you didn't go back and read some of my blogs! LOL ANYWAY.... One of my MANY defenses to get thru life was to build a wall. A NICE BIG WALL to keep everyone away from my heart. I have figured out a lot of the bricks in my wall, and am working on destroying each one piece by piece. One of the bricks was maintaining a nice HEAVY weight. I weigh NOW (as of 11-16-07) 207 pounds. This is what I weighed Christmas of 1990, when I was 18... I was at 195 when I had grad high school in June of 1990. When I was kidnapped and raped at the age of 13, I wasn't a skinny girl, in fact, I was big for my age, wearing a medium in ladies instead of a small. But I knew that boys didn't want fat chicks... So I stayed fat... and got fatter and fatter... I was around 125 at the age of 13, I was under 5 feet then also. So from 13 to 17 I gained about 70 pounds to try to make sure no boys would want me sexually... Caused a vicious cycle... Since the boys didn't want a fat chick, I got depressed and ate... I didn;t realize exactly what I was doing at the time... Only in hind site... So... I got down to 195 last winter... then started to let it creep back up... I have been sabatoging (sp???) myself with convenience items instead of taking the time on a Sunday afternoon and preparing my own prepackaged stuff... and other sabatoging things... When it dawned on me the other night that I might just be afraid STILL of being smaller than I am... STILL dealing with how the rape has affected my life... WOW!!! I felt this weight lifted.. one more brick getting blasted from my wall... I am not saying I will not continue to screw up my new food plans time to time, but at least I know one of the reasons I had been holding back... IS GONE!!! Thanks Lo!!!