April 2007

I sit here quietly
thinking
you're in the next room
I want to touch you
to hold you again
afraid though
that each touch
may be the last
So I stay in here
trying to avoid
that sadness
but I can't
I watch you now as you sleep
loving you
quietly
wondering
how long til you say goodbye
for the last time

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I WANT to be

SMART - No longer stupid
SEXY - Or at least thought of in that way
LOVED - Loving, in Love...
ENJOYED - In so many ways
INNOCENT - Like I never really was
RENEWED - As the earth after the rain
FEARLESS - So I can stop waiting on life
FAITHFUL - And never lose faith again
HAPPY - Truly, really happy in myself
ALIVE - Like I never thought I could be

I WILL be...

Kids Update

This is Emily at her cousin Cameron's birthday party. Is she a beauty or what??
This is Vinnie. He found this helmet in TJ Maxx and begged me to take his picture in it.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Just to truly update anyone out there on my life... This past weekend, I made a difficult decision to break up with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years. This was quite possibly the hardest decision I have made in my life. Divorcing my ex (Alex) was by far easier.

I truly love Wesley heart, mind, body and soul. I just think that we helped each other become different people (in some ways) than the people we were when we met. This is NOT a bad thing! I just feel like I was preventing him from being more than he is now. I allowed things to happen that if I had just been more honest with him, could have been resolved. So in many ways.. I was just dumb! LOL

And he is, rightfully, angry about this, as it was a shock for him to hear how I feel. Communication has always been my downfall. Which is kind of funny considering how much I talk!

Any way...

I am therefore reviewing my past and present so that I can figure out where I am going in the future.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

.. Chaos Current mood: drunk .. Stuck in limbo Like being in the middle of hell Chaos in everyone's voice All I can do is trust myself If I fall... I will get back up

Thursday, January 18, 2007

hot & cold Current mood: hopeful .. Sitting here Cold Wandering Wondering Waiting Desiring Praying Wishing for Fire Hot coals In my mind Wanting more Seeking less Living with What I have That's the way Figuring out How to explain Do I feel? Trying to Avoid pain Sitting here

Friday, May 25, 2007

like a butterfly Current mood: hopeful .. I feel like a butterfly recently transformed into such not sure where I should go or what I should do I'm testing the wind to see where it carries me to see if I can fly against it or just let it push me about I want to fly high and free to use the wind to carry me not to let it sweep me along but to ride as I see fit I feel like a butterfly still testing my wings seeing how strong they are hoping to float in the sun

Sunday, July 29, 2007

self-imposed Current mood: stressed .. My prsion is self imposed these days I cracked the wall, I can see outside Yet here I sit, still inside Afraid of the unknown - OUT THERE It may be dark and sad in here, but at least I KNOW Not doing anyone else any good Feel like I'm going to forget to breathe Self-Imposed, but just can't break free

Sunday, November 11, 2007

..

Still here- an update Current mood: good .. I have been divorced nearly 9 months... Life is still hectic. Actually hell would be a better word somedays... Trying to be a single mom is hard... And that is a major understatement! So many things I took forgranted... I can't get on myspace like I would like, so if ya'd like to catch up msg me with you reg email addy and I'll get ya next xhance I get.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Figured out one of my wall pieces Current mood: energetic Ok, so if you've read any of my blogs or have known me for a while, you may know that I was raped when I was 13... If you didn't go back and read some of my blogs! LOL ANYWAY.... One of my MANY defenses to get thru life was to build a wall. A NICE BIG WALL to keep everyone away from my heart. I have figured out a lot of the bricks in my wall, and am working on destroying each one piece by piece. One of the bricks was maintaining a nice HEAVY weight. I weigh NOW (as of 11-16-07) 207 pounds. This is what I weighed Christmas of 1990, when I was 18... I was at 195 when I had grad high school in June of 1990. When I was kidnapped and raped at the age of 13, I wasn't a skinny girl, in fact, I was big for my age, wearing a medium in ladies instead of a small. But I knew that boys didn't want fat chicks... So I stayed fat... and got fatter and fatter... I was around 125 at the age of 13, I was under 5 feet then also. So from 13 to 17 I gained about 70 pounds to try to make sure no boys would want me sexually... Caused a vicious cycle... Since the boys didn't want a fat chick, I got depressed and ate... I didn;t realize exactly what I was doing at the time... Only in hind site... So... I got down to 195 last winter... then started to let it creep back up... I have been sabatoging (sp???) myself with convenience items instead of taking the time on a Sunday afternoon and preparing my own prepackaged stuff... and other sabatoging things... When it dawned on me the other night that I might just be afraid STILL of being smaller than I am... STILL dealing with how the rape has affected my life... WOW!!! I felt this weight lifted.. one more brick getting blasted from my wall... I am not saying I will not continue to screw up my new food plans time to time, but at least I know one of the reasons I had been holding back... IS GONE!!! Thanks Lo!!!

February 27, 2009

Getting Back to ME~! once upon a time there was I. I was living a life I did not enjoy. I felt like one of those hermit crabs... all others really saw was the shell, but inside - I was hiding. Then my life changed dramatically, and I got brave enough to take the shell off of me. I got wounded a time or two, but my own skin began to become strong enough to handle the world around me. Not only did I realize how I wanted to live, I realized WHY and what I needed to do to truly be me. Then I met someone wonderful... he liked the me that was getting stronger and working towards what I wanted... Then... I had another dramatic change in life, then the man who loved me had some issues in his life and I ran for my shell. I cowered and returned (somewhat) to that shell. Not all at once. First I just revisited it a time or two. Then I started to store thoughts and emotions there, the weaker, meaker thoughts I had been no longer entertaining... Then I just started hanging there more and more. *** YA KNOW WHAT?*** I am busting that shell. Not just taking it off. I am destroying the whole damn thing. I am getting me back!

Old Blogs from Myspace

I am putting some old blogs from Myspace over here as I am leaving myspace. So if you see odd dates on blogs, you will know why!

Laughter

Laughter

Originally composed Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I wish to see you smile To let the worries go I want to hear you laugh To know your heart is open

Leaving Myspace

I am leaving Myspace and will be adding some old blogs from there. I hope anyone reading might enjoy them.