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April 2007

I sit here quietly
thinking
you're in the next room
I want to touch you
to hold you again
afraid though
that each touch
may be the last
So I stay in here
trying to avoid
that sadness
but I can't
I watch you now as you sleep
loving you
quietly
wondering
how long til you say goodbye
for the last time

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I WANT to be

SMART - No longer stupid
SEXY - Or at least thought of in that way
LOVED - Loving, in Love...
ENJOYED - In so many ways
INNOCENT - Like I never really was
RENEWED - As the earth after the rain
FEARLESS - So I can stop waiting on life
FAITHFUL - And never lose faith again
HAPPY - Truly, really happy in myself
ALIVE - Like I never thought I could be

I WILL be...

Kids Update

This is Emily at her cousin Cameron's birthday party. Is she a beauty or what??
This is Vinnie. He found this helmet in TJ Maxx and begged me to take his picture in it.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Just to truly update anyone out there on my life... This past weekend, I made a difficult decision to break up with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years. This was quite possibly the hardest decision I have made in my life. Divorcing my ex (Alex) was by far easier.

I truly love Wesley heart, mind, body and soul. I just think that we helped each other become different people (in some ways) than the people we were when we met. This is NOT a bad thing! I just feel like I was preventing him from being more than he is now. I allowed things to happen that if I had just been more honest with him, could have been resolved. So in many ways.. I was just dumb! LOL

And he is, rightfully, angry about this, as it was a shock for him to hear how I feel. Communication has always been my downfall. Which is kind of funny considering how much I talk!

Any way...

I am therefore reviewing my past and present so that I can figure out where I am going in the future.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

.. Chaos Current mood: drunk .. Stuck in limbo Like being in the middle of hell Chaos in everyone's voice All I can do is trust myself If I fall... I will get back up

Thursday, January 18, 2007

hot & cold Current mood: hopeful .. Sitting here Cold Wandering Wondering Waiting Desiring Praying Wishing for Fire Hot coals In my mind Wanting more Seeking less Living with What I have That's the way Figuring out How to explain Do I feel? Trying to Avoid pain Sitting here

Friday, May 25, 2007

like a butterfly Current mood: hopeful .. I feel like a butterfly recently transformed into such not sure where I should go or what I should do I'm testing the wind to see where it carries me to see if I can fly against it or just let it push me about I want to fly high and free to use the wind to carry me not to let it sweep me along but to ride as I see fit I feel like a butterfly still testing my wings seeing how strong they are hoping to float in the sun

Sunday, July 29, 2007

self-imposed Current mood: stressed .. My prsion is self imposed these days I cracked the wall, I can see outside Yet here I sit, still inside Afraid of the unknown - OUT THERE It may be dark and sad in here, but at least I KNOW Not doing anyone else any good Feel like I'm going to forget to breathe Self-Imposed, but just can't break free

Sunday, November 11, 2007

..

Still here- an update Current mood: good .. I have been divorced nearly 9 months... Life is still hectic. Actually hell would be a better word somedays... Trying to be a single mom is hard... And that is a major understatement! So many things I took forgranted... I can't get on myspace like I would like, so if ya'd like to catch up msg me with you reg email addy and I'll get ya next xhance I get.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Figured out one of my wall pieces Current mood: energetic Ok, so if you've read any of my blogs or have known me for a while, you may know that I was raped when I was 13... If you didn't go back and read some of my blogs! LOL ANYWAY.... One of my MANY defenses to get thru life was to build a wall. A NICE BIG WALL to keep everyone away from my heart. I have figured out a lot of the bricks in my wall, and am working on destroying each one piece by piece. One of the bricks was maintaining a nice HEAVY weight. I weigh NOW (as of 11-16-07) 207 pounds. This is what I weighed Christmas of 1990, when I was 18... I was at 195 when I had grad high school in June of 1990. When I was kidnapped and raped at the age of 13, I wasn't a skinny girl, in fact, I was big for my age, wearing a medium in ladies instead of a small. But I knew that boys didn't want fat chicks... So I stayed fat... and got fatter and fatter... I was around 125 at the age of 13, I was under 5 feet then also. So from 13 to 17 I gained about 70 pounds to try to make sure no boys would want me sexually... Caused a vicious cycle... Since the boys didn't want a fat chick, I got depressed and ate... I didn;t realize exactly what I was doing at the time... Only in hind site... So... I got down to 195 last winter... then started to let it creep back up... I have been sabatoging (sp???) myself with convenience items instead of taking the time on a Sunday afternoon and preparing my own prepackaged stuff... and other sabatoging things... When it dawned on me the other night that I might just be afraid STILL of being smaller than I am... STILL dealing with how the rape has affected my life... WOW!!! I felt this weight lifted.. one more brick getting blasted from my wall... I am not saying I will not continue to screw up my new food plans time to time, but at least I know one of the reasons I had been holding back... IS GONE!!! Thanks Lo!!!

February 27, 2009

Getting Back to ME~! once upon a time there was I. I was living a life I did not enjoy. I felt like one of those hermit crabs... all others really saw was the shell, but inside - I was hiding. Then my life changed dramatically, and I got brave enough to take the shell off of me. I got wounded a time or two, but my own skin began to become strong enough to handle the world around me. Not only did I realize how I wanted to live, I realized WHY and what I needed to do to truly be me. Then I met someone wonderful... he liked the me that was getting stronger and working towards what I wanted... Then... I had another dramatic change in life, then the man who loved me had some issues in his life and I ran for my shell. I cowered and returned (somewhat) to that shell. Not all at once. First I just revisited it a time or two. Then I started to store thoughts and emotions there, the weaker, meaker thoughts I had been no longer entertaining... Then I just started hanging there more and more. *** YA KNOW WHAT?*** I am busting that shell. Not just taking it off. I am destroying the whole damn thing. I am getting me back!

Old Blogs from Myspace

I am putting some old blogs from Myspace over here as I am leaving myspace. So if you see odd dates on blogs, you will know why!

Laughter

Laughter

Originally composed Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I wish to see you smile To let the worries go I want to hear you laugh To know your heart is open

Leaving Myspace

I am leaving Myspace and will be adding some old blogs from there. I hope anyone reading might enjoy them.

The Sack Lunches

The Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage
Compartment and sat down in my
Assigned seat. It was going to be a
Long flight.. 'I'm glad I have a
Good book to read Perhaps I will get
A short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of
Soldiers came down the aisle and
Filled all the vacant seats, totally
Surrounding me. I decided to
Start a conversation.
'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

'Petawawa. We'll be there for two
Weeks for 20 special training, and then
We're being deployed to Afghanistan

After flying for about an hour, an
Announcement was made that sack
Lunches were available for five
Dollars. It would be several hours
Before we reached the east, and I
Quickly decided a lunch would help
Pass the time..

As I reached for my wallet, I
Overheard soldier ask his buddy if he
Planned to buy lunch.
'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably
Wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base '

His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other
Soldiers. None were buying lunch. I
Walked to the back of the plane and
Handed the flight attendant a
Fifty dollar bill.
'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and
squeezed

Tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a
Soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up
The aisle to where the soldiers
Were seated. She stopped at my seat
And asked, 'Which do you like
Best - beef or chicken?'

'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why
She asked. She turned and went to
The front of plane, returning a
Minute later with a dinner plate from
First class. 'This is your thanks.'

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,
Heading for the rest room.
A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it.
Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I
Saw the Flight Captain coming down
The aisle, looking at the aisle
Numbers as he walked, I hoped he was
Not looking for me, but noticed he
Was looking at the numbers only on
My side of the plane.
When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, and said,
'I want to shake your hand.'
Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I
Stood and took the Captain's hand.
With a booming voice he said, 'I was
A soldier and I was a military
Pilot. Once, someone bought me a
Lunch. It was an act of kindness I
Never forgot.' I was embarrassed
When applause was heard from all of
The passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the
Plane so I could stretch my legs.
A man who was seated about six rows
In front of me reached out his
Hand, wanting to shake mine. He left
Another twenty-five dollars in my palm..

When we landed I gathered my
Belongings and started to deplane.
Waiting just inside the airplane door
Was a man who stopped me, put
Something in my shirt pocket, turned,
And walked away without saying a
Word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the
Soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them
And handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to
Reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich.
God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight
Feeling the love and respect of their
Fellow travelers. As I walked
Briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return.
These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only
Give them a couple of meals.

It seemed so little...

A veteran is someone who, at one
Point in his life, wrote a blank check
Made payable to 'The United States of
America ' for an amount of 'up to and including My life.'

That is Honor, and there are way too
Many people in this country who
No longer understand it.'


May God give you the strength and
Courage to pass this along to
everyone on your email buddy list.......

I JUST DID

let's talk about healthcare reform

http://ranimerryman.wordpress.com/2009/08/24/all-right-lets-talk-about-health-care-h3200/

Interesting stories on this blog site

http://my.journaltimes.com/MC/blog3

http://my.journaltimes.com/post/MC/blog3/one_lawyers_opinion.html

ONE LAWYERS OPINION

Posted by: MC on August 30, 2009 at 3:10PM CST

The blog will concentrate my concerns as a retired attorney about the imminent and growing threats to our Constituton and our form of government. We have reason to be very afraid of what is happening.

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE HEALTHCARE BILLS ?

Well, I have done it! I have read the entire text of proposed House Bill 3200: The Affordable Health Care Choices Act of 2009. I studied it with particular emphasis from my area of expertise, constitutional law. I was frankly concerned that parts of the proposed law that were being discussed might be unconstitutional. What I found was far worse than what I had heard or expected.

To begin with, much of what has been said about the law and its implications is in fact true, despite what the Democrats and the media are saying. The law does provide for rationing of health care, particularly where senior citizens and other classes of citizens are involved, free health care for illegal immigrants, free abortion services, and probably forced participation in abortions by members of the medical profession.

The Bill will also eventually force private insurance companies out of business and put everyone into a government run system. All decisions about personal health care will ultimately be made by federal bureaucrats and most of them will not be health care professionals. Hospital admissions, payments to physicians, and allocations of necessary medical devices will be strictly controlled.

However, as scary as all of that it, it just scratches the surface. In fact, I have concluded that this legislation really has no intention of providing affordable health care choices. Instead it is a convenient cover for the most massive transfer of power to the Executive Branch of government that has ever occurred, or even been contemplated. If this law or a similar one is adopted, major portions of the Constitution of the United States will effectively have been destroyed.

The first thing to go will be the masterfully crafted balance of power between the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of the U.S. Government. The Congress will be transferring to the Obama Administration authority in a number of different areas over the lives of the American people and the businesses they own. The irony is that the Congress doesn't have any authority to legislate in most of those areas to begin with. I defy anyone to read the text of the U.S. Constitution and find any authority granted to the members of Congress to regulate health care.

This legislation also provides for access by the appointees of the Obama administration of all of your personal healthcare information, your personal financial information, and the information of your employer, physician, and hospital. All of this is a direct violation of the specific provisions of the 4th Amendment to the Constitution protecting against unreasonable searches and seizures. You can also forget about the right to privacy. That will have been legislated into oblivion regardless of what the 3rd and 4th Amendments may provide.

If you decide not to have healthcare insurance or if you have private insurance that is not deemed "acceptable" to the "Health Choices Administrator" appointed by Obama there will be a tax imposed on you. It is called a "tax" instead of a fine because of the intent to avoid application of the due process clause of the 5th Amendment. However, that doesn't work because since there is nothing in the law that allows you to contest or appeal the imposition of the tax, it is definitely depriving someone of property without the "due process of law.

So, there are three of those pesky amendments that the far left hate so much out the original ten in the Bill of Rights that are effectively nullified by this law. It doesn't stop there though. The 9thAmendment that provides: "The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people;" The 10th Amendment states: "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are preserved to the States respectively, or to the people." Under the provisions of this piece of Congressional handiwork neither the people nor the states are going to have any rights or powers at all in many areas that once were theirs to control.

I could write many more pages about this legislation, but I think you get the idea. This is not about health care; it is about seizing power and limiting rights. Article 6 of the Constitution requires the members of both houses of Congress to "be bound by oath or affirmation" to support the Constitution. If I was a member of Congress I would not be able to vote for this legislation or anything like it without feeling I was violating that sacred oath or affirmation. If I voted for it anyway I would hope the American people would hold me accountable.

For those who might doubt the nature of this threat I suggest they consult the source. Here is a link to the Constitution: http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/constitution_transcript.html

And another to the Bill of Rights: http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/bill_of_rights_transcript.html

There you can see exactly what we are about to have taken from us.

Michael Connelly

Retired attorney,

Constitutional Law Instructor

Carrollton, Texas

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(5) Comments

Posted by: rob_92183 on August 30, 2009 8:40PM CST Have you ever talked with a lefty? The government is a source of COMFORT! They could never possibly want to remove your rights for a BAD reason, the government only does GOOD things! Clearly it's just another rich lawyer that won't profit if the system changes. And he's probably racist, too! Why won't you just see that true Americans WANT this? Look where BUSH left us, we NEED this. /sarcasm Lenin called them useful idiots for a reason. Liberals still can't figure out you cannot have liberty and equality. It's forced slavery at it's worst.

Posted by: DobberDeeDee on August 30, 2009 10:45PM CST I personally think that HR3200 is dead. We can't afford it. Too many people caught on before they had a chance to pass it and catch us unawares. At least, that is what I hope and pray.

Posted by: Edge Distance on August 31, 2009 10:35PM CST rob, What can I say? You are correct. DDD, It could still happen. Rumbling's say that the Dems are willing to take a hit in 2010, to cram healthcare down our throats. They have the votes.

Posted by: Edge Distance on August 31, 2009 10:49PM CST MC, Thanks! The links are great!!!!! I have spread them out!!!!!!!

Posted by: Tookie on September 1, 2009 7:04AM CST Helloooo government we see you, do they think they are slick or what? They are consolidating thier power, This is what dictators do. Then they quiet disent, and get military in the streets and take your guns. and then what? All these nitwits have right now is pieces of paper, and what, like 10 people who believe them anymore? Honestly what difference does it make if they do not believe in the constitution?, We the people do. And we got the population on our side, and nice little fema camps all set up for perps of 'Crimes against the American people." The only way we could loose is if we don't enforce our laws on them while we can. or sick the army on them. That reminds me They could do a show on tv just about corrupt polititians, and video of them going to jail. I'd watch it! Well, until there were only lawabiding citizens in government. I'm praying too.

Judging

“I’m Just Judging Fruit!”

I once heard it said when someone was rebuked for judging a fellow Christian that they were NOT judging the person just their fruit. It is a common mistake that many people make. They think they can judge the actions of a person while not judging that person so that they, the self appointed judge, are clean from judgmental sin, all the while knowing that they are just as sinful and wrong as the person they judge. Allow me a moment to clarify something if I may.

43 “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. 44 Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. 45 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. Luke 43-45 NIV

So, looking at the above verse we have Christ making a comparison of man kinds works compared to the fruit of a tree. Illustrating that good works come from good people and evil works come from people with evil in their hearts. It all comes down to the condition of your heart. It is not the person that defines the heart, but the heart that defines the person. What you choose to fill your heart with is a free choice you get to make. That choice then is reflected in your words and actions during your day to day life. SO your fruit is the direct reflection of your choice of good and evil and therefore can not be evaluated separate from the individual creating that metaphoric fruit. SO when you judge a persons fruit, you are judging their character, choices, decisions and state of heart. How can that NOT be judging the person? So just a word to the wise:

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:37 NIV

What does this mean for the people NOT judging others? It means that if you do not see that you are blessing others then you have not filled your heart with blessings to give to others. What you fill your heart with will be the fruit you bear to others. SO if you fill your heart with the word, you will have the word to give to others. You can not fill your heart with doubt and think you will give hope to others. “Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers” Therefore fill your heart with the things you wish to give to others. Give hope to the lost, wisdom to the confused, life to the dead and peace to the troubled. Bear the Godly fruits and you will ensure YOUR fruit can stand the test of the one and only judge of mans heart/fruit, Christ Jesus.

Things to study:

Fruits of the Spirit -

Gal 5:22

Eph 5:9

Fruits of Righteousness:

• Psa 1:3; Psa 15:1-2; Psa 24:3-5; Psa 101:3-4; Psa 106:3; Psa 112:4; Psa 112:7-8
• Pro 2:7; Pro 2:11; Pro 2:20; Pro 10:2; Pro 11:5-6; Pro 11:18-19; Pro 11:30; Pro 12:28; Pro 13:6; Pro 14:34
• Isa 32:17; Isa 33:15-16; Isa 55:12-13; Isa 58:6-14
• Dan 12:3
• Hsa 10:12
• Mal 3:3; Mal 4:2
• Mat 5:20; Mat 12:35
• Jhn 8:47; Jhn 14:23; Jhn 15:4-5
• Rom 6:19-22; Rom 8:4; Rom 8:6; Rom 14:17-18
• 2Cr 5:17; 2Cr 9:10; 2Cr 10:5
• Gal 5:22-23; Gal 6:7-8
• Eph 5:9
• Phl 1:11; Phl 1:27-28; Phl 2:13
• Col 3:10
• 2Ti 2:22; 2Ti 4:8
• Phm 1:6
• Jam 3:11-18
• 2Pe 1:5-9
• 1Jo 2:3-6; 1Jo 2:10-11; 1Jo 2:24; 1Jo 2:29; 1Jo 3:3; 1Jo 3:6-7; 1Jo 3:9; 1Jo 3:14; 1Jo 3:22

Fruits of Sin:

• Gen 3:7-24; Gen 4:11-14; Gen 6:5-7
• Deu 29:18
• Job 4:8; Job 5:2; Job 13:26; Job 20:11
• Psa 5:10; Psa 9:15-16; Psa 10:2; Psa 94:23; Psa 141:10
• Pro 1:31; Pro 3:35; Pro 5:22-23; Pro 8:36; Pro 10:24; Pro 10:29-31; Pro 11:5-7; Pro 11:18-19; Pro 11:27; Pro 11:29; Pro 12:13-14; Pro 12:21; Pro 12:26; Pro 13:5; Pro 13:15; Pro 22:8; Pro 27:8; Pro 28:1; Pro 29:6; Pro 30:20
• Isa 3:9; Isa 3:11; Isa 9:18; Isa 14:21; Isa 50:11; Isa 57:20-21
• Jer 2:17; Jer 2:19; Jer 4:18; Jer 5:25; Jer 7:19; Jer 14:16; Jer 21:14
• Eze 11:21; Eze 23:31-35
• Hsa 8:7; Hsa 10:13; Hsa 12:14; Hsa 13:9
• Mic 7:13
• Mar 7:21-23
• Act 9:5
• Rom 5:12-21; Rom 7:5
• 1Cr 3:3; 1Cr 6:9-11
• Gal 5:19-21; Gal 6:7
• 1Pe 4:3

A good point borrowed froma friend

I find it confusing, for lack of a better word, how “Christians” and most people feel it is strange to be friends with an ex girlfriend, wife, lover or what ever. They consider it good to be friends, but not REAL friends. You should be social friends. Talk every so often. Maybe hang out every few months. And eventually drift apart and only have a “friendship’ through mutual contacts or children. I do admit that is easier, but not what I think God would expect of one called by His name. How many times do we walk away from Christ, only to return when we realize we didn’t want to leave? We come back, maybe not the same as we left and our relationship is different for the change, but it is no less personal. HE does not distance himself from us because we choose to leave. He welcomes us back with open arms. Why can we not do the same to the people we love that way. We ask, “What would Jesus do?” Yet choose to hate, despise and reject those we claim to have loved or still do love. I guess it is easier to believe the lie and be damned, than to accept the truth that we choose to hate because love is just so hard to do when you are hurt.

37

37 years old... WOW. I feel old and young all at the same time. My life is ever changing and never boring!!!

I have been absent from blogging for a while as things in my life got worse and better and back and forth.

I am now employed again. Working for an awesome company. I have gotten more active at church, but still missing Sunday mornings, but hope to change that soon. I am at a weird spot in my life. I can feel change coming and working on my life, I can feel positive energy about the changes, but dang if my path isn't still in the dark!! LOL

Anyway!

I will try to remember to post more frequently.

Loneliness?

I feel (and irrationally so) very lonely, lately. I have tried to find other causes for it, but after doing a LOT of thinking, I have realized it is because I am not working. This sounds silly, I know. BUT - I am used to working in a very fast paced, busy, busy office with lots of co-workers, not to mention the patients that came in and out. So NOW, my usual interaction with people is about 5 people a day instead of 30. I realize NOW that my lonely feeling is not because of a lack of friends and loved ones, but because of a lack of people just around me, period. Which just proves my vanity. I am finding myself to be very selfish lately. Actually, I find myself being able to be described with character traits I have always been weak to, but lately have just let myself fall right into. Selfishness, Possessiveness that isn't actually real - but I appear that way, and Rudeness. With my behavior leaning towards these traits, no wonder I am feeling left out of my friends lives, thus lending to my loneliness from not being constantly around people... Lorenda always said I was an "Attention hog".

I am working on it.