"We just want so much MORE for you"

"I love you, I just want so much MORE for you"... just love me... the rest should be irrelevant. If I am happy with my life (even if it isn't always sunshine and roses), then be happy and stop mourning over what I didn't turn out to be. If you can't, I will understand.

They don't understand that by saying this, they aren't loving me unconditionally.. they are adding a condition. I don't think they even know.

Marion and Dave, I love you.  Because you gave me life. Thanks.  I would die for you if it ever came to it.  As bad as I am hurt right now, I will never not love you. 

I do not feel you feel the same.  I feel that your love is only available if I do what you want how you want.  I did that as a child.  I did exactly what was expected of me.  I knew I didn't have to exceed that, so I didn't.  That one is my fault.  

My parents started my spiritual journey in Christianity.  I remember going to church every Sunday.  We got out of that only due to illness or traveling to see extended family.  I was taught the Bible.  I was taught to pray.  I was taught that even when bad things happen we should forgive those who hurt us.

I remember being mad as a child.  I remember being told that nobody wanted to hear me being mad.  I was around ten or eleven years old.  I tried.  I can remember getting in trouble for hitting my sister or brother.  I counted to 10, 20, 50.  I don't know why I was angry.  I just wanted to be left in peace to reading or drawing.  I wasn't a popular child.  My mother encouraged me to make friends, but the ones I chose weren't the ones she meant.  

I can remember over hearing her say once to a friend that all of Karen's friends lived in houses as nice as or nicer than ours.  All of Kelly's friends live in trailer parks.
Nice, huh?

At 13, I had a traumatic event take place in my life that left me even more angry and no one to really talk to.  People didn't talk of such things openly.  I wanted to.  I was told no.  I got offered counseling.  I went.  After a few visits, I asked the young woman if she had ever been raped.  She said no.  So I told her, "well when you get raped, give me a call, until then fuck off."  Yes, slightly angry.  I was not allowed to be angry at home.  Yelling wasn't allowed.  So I read.  A lot.  And listened to music.

Then I discovered punk and alternative bands... 

More later...