Pink... Fucking Perfect

http://youtu.be/58L9zi5DtLo

"My other half"

Kelly Patterson Gamble

Missing Will Gamble today. He is my other half and things are better when he is around.

This is my sister in laws post.. I love her and would actually like to get to know her better.  What gets me, is when she says this, no one says to her: You don't need a man...

I don't get it...

"We just want so much MORE for you"

"I love you, I just want so much MORE for you"... just love me... the rest should be irrelevant. If I am happy with my life (even if it isn't always sunshine and roses), then be happy and stop mourning over what I didn't turn out to be. If you can't, I will understand.

They don't understand that by saying this, they aren't loving me unconditionally.. they are adding a condition. I don't think they even know.

Marion and Dave, I love you.  Because you gave me life. Thanks.  I would die for you if it ever came to it.  As bad as I am hurt right now, I will never not love you. 

I do not feel you feel the same.  I feel that your love is only available if I do what you want how you want.  I did that as a child.  I did exactly what was expected of me.  I knew I didn't have to exceed that, so I didn't.  That one is my fault.  

My parents started my spiritual journey in Christianity.  I remember going to church every Sunday.  We got out of that only due to illness or traveling to see extended family.  I was taught the Bible.  I was taught to pray.  I was taught that even when bad things happen we should forgive those who hurt us.

I remember being mad as a child.  I remember being told that nobody wanted to hear me being mad.  I was around ten or eleven years old.  I tried.  I can remember getting in trouble for hitting my sister or brother.  I counted to 10, 20, 50.  I don't know why I was angry.  I just wanted to be left in peace to reading or drawing.  I wasn't a popular child.  My mother encouraged me to make friends, but the ones I chose weren't the ones she meant.  

I can remember over hearing her say once to a friend that all of Karen's friends lived in houses as nice as or nicer than ours.  All of Kelly's friends live in trailer parks.
Nice, huh?

At 13, I had a traumatic event take place in my life that left me even more angry and no one to really talk to.  People didn't talk of such things openly.  I wanted to.  I was told no.  I got offered counseling.  I went.  After a few visits, I asked the young woman if she had ever been raped.  She said no.  So I told her, "well when you get raped, give me a call, until then fuck off."  Yes, slightly angry.  I was not allowed to be angry at home.  Yelling wasn't allowed.  So I read.  A lot.  And listened to music.

Then I discovered punk and alternative bands... 

More later...

Even Adam and Eve Had a Rough Start

This is my man.  I love him.  He loves me.  We are not perfect, but we are perfect together and for each other.  I could live with out him.  I may be forced to.  I love people who say you should forgive people for their pasts, but don't.  I get told, "you don't need a man."  Nope, sure don't.  But I sure do like having him around.  See, I actually believe that God wants us to meet that person who makes us better.  A person that makes us open our eyes to our self, to see the silly and stupid things we told our self were true are actually NOT true.  This is the man I have chosen to be with the rest of my life.  If that cannot be, then I will let him go.  But I will love him and him only until death do us part.  

Our Second Date

A few weeks after the first date at the comedy club we had our second date.  It was on the Friday night of Mother's Day weekend.  His son's mother, Donna, had been feeling bad all day.. trouble breathing, lethargic, hurt to move... He had told her several times to go to the ER. She called after we had gone out and she was just then going to the ER.  I asked if he needed to go, I would understand. Really I would have and not many people understand that.
I would have been OK for him to go be with his baby mama at the ER instead of having this long awaited second date. 
Anyway, we had a great time.  We sang, danced, laughed, talked..and stayed out all night.  I got home around 7:30 am.  He called at 9 or so to tell me that Donna had been admitted and they thought she had a blood clot.  He was at the hospital most of the day.  I heard from him that evening and first thing in the morning.  Sunday morning, Mother's Day, she died.  
What a bittersweet weekend for us.  We had a great date, he lost his children's mother.  I really questioned if we would get to a third date.


I have always felt that he and his kids somehow hold me responsible that he didn't get her help earlier. 

His whole life changed in a moment when he became a single father to his two boys who he hadn't been the best of father to, even though he loved them more than they could ever know.

The worst and best week of my life (so far)

Mid December, 2012

Theron had been out of town for a few days.  My son Vinnie had been VERY unruly in T's absense.  Vinnie is a wonderful special boy who at times is excessively defiant and disrespectful. You wouldn't believe it unless you saw it.  Many people didn't see it for a long time.  Anyway.

On Monday night Theron gave me a ring and officially told me that we would "make this legit once we get past New Year's".  He played me a love song, sang to me.. it was so sweet.

Wednesday night, after the kids had been to church, they were eating.  Vinnie was being rude and disrespectful to me.  Over the last week, I had given him every non corporal punishment I could think of. Finally I told him that if he continued I would spank him with a belt.

He finally said, "then you'll have to give me the belt".

This is where we entered the slippery slope.

I spanked him 3 times with the belt.  Vinnie told me that I didn't spank him very hard.  I said "Fine, Theron can spank you."  I gave T the belt and he spanked him 6 times.  I COUNTED.  

(The detective told me it had to be more, I told him no.  I have no idea what I wrote in my official statement as I was scared to death and distraught over the whole incident.)

Vinnie cried, I cried. T and I hugged him and told him that we loved him.  We told him that he needed to remember that he is a child and has to mind us. He yes ma'am'ed and yessir'ed and we told him to go put on his pajamas and go to bed.

The next morning, December 13th, I helped him put his shoes on.  We talked about that he was going to be good at school and that we were sorry it had come to that but he had to learn to mind and show respect. Then I sent him to school on the bus.

A few hours later, the DHR worker came to my work to tell me they were taking my children from my custody.

I have been living in hell ever since.

This will be my mantra

I kissed him first.

So I met Theron in January of 2010.  I didn't give him my number immediately.  I wanted to see what exactly his intentions were.  This is kind of funny because I am not , I was not.. really a "good girl".  I didn't make decisions that my parents or God was proud of in the past.  With Theron? I wanted to go slow.  Not something I was particularly good at.
So for almost 4 months, Theron and I only chatted online thru our phones.  I didn't see him, but we talked often.  Then he finally asked if I would call him.  I did.  His voice.  His voice is like a siren to me.  I cannot explain it. We tried to arrange to meet in March out at Mack's.  Once, we both didn't show, the second time he didn't show.  I was about to give up all together.
I was hanging out with our friends Roxy and Dana.  They were encouraging me to continue with Theron.. they had tickets to the comedy club and encouraged me to invite him and bring him along.  So I did.  He had no car so I went and picked him up.  This was late April, I believe.
We went, had a great time, felt very comfortable with him.  Then I took him home and we sat and listened to music, talked. He was a gentleman.  When I got ready to leave I went to give him a hug and somehow kissed him.  Yes. I kissed him.  Scared the hell out of me.  See, funny thing about me, I never kissed first and I never said no.  I kissed him and high tailed it out of there like the building was on fire. I left him standing shocked in the middle of the room.
So now I had done both. Said no (by not going home with him the night we met) and I kissed him. Before he could kiss me.
I knew KNEW I was in trouble.

Sleeping Disorder?

I think I have something wrong in my brain about sleeping.
Either I get 4-5 hours sleep over 24 hours, not necessarily all at one time, or I cannot wake up right and I nap on and off semi uncontrollably all day.
This has been happening for well over 2-3 years. At first I thought I just needed a nap sometimes.  I was falling asleep before I could even lay down.  A few times last summer I even almost "fell asleep" at work, at the cash register, while standing up.
Sometimes I can't sleep though.  Like last night, I was up til 4 and didn't sleep well, but was up by 9 am.  I found myself falling asleep at the computer around 5 pm.  I went to lay down, but was no longer "sleepy".  Now it is roughly 4 am again and wide awake.
I don't know what to do.  I do not have insurance or a job so I cannot afford a doctor.  It isn't an emergency room situation. Although it nearly was a few times when I found myself getting the sleepies while driving and had to literally stop the car somewhere.
I have fallen asleep at family functions, with friends over, even in church.  Luckily though, my church family sort of knows something is wrong and keeps an eye on me.  When I fall asleep, I SNORE.. LOL. They wake me up before I can get loud.
I think some of my family has wondered if I am or was on drugs.  No. I will admit to having smoked pot a handful of times over the last year, my episodes are nowhere near those occasions. I don't even take over the counter sleeping medications. 
I really don't know what to do about this.
But here I go to lay down...

Need my address?

Just sayin'

Kiddie Photo Update

These two are what keep my heart beating...

This was taken

Memorial Day Weekend 

just a couple of weeks ago.

I haven't been allowed

to see them since just after Easter, TWO MONTHS ago.

Oh well... That's a mighty deep subject...

In January of 2010, I met Theron.

I met him at my favorite dive bar/karaoke joint, Mack's Lounge.

I didn't realize he was hitting on me.  I thought he was interested in my gal pal, Kim, because.. well.. I wasn't used to people being interested in me.  

I had been broke up with Wes OFFICIALLY for a few months. He was engaged, I was moving on as well.

Now. The thing about Theron is that he is black.

I never was racist. I dated the mixed boy (father from Egypt, mother Irish American) who asked me out. (I say boy as we were under 20 at the time...) I dated the Chinese fella with the southern drawl, seeing as how he was born and raised here in Alabama (to Chinese born parents).  I MARRIED the Italian American who was darker skinned than the mixed guy.  LOL, my son actually had to be convinced that his Italian father was not black... BUT

No black guy had ever actually asked me out. To dance yes, to have a drink yes. To actually GO OUT WITH... uh NO.

I didn't recall seeing him there before but everyone knew him.  He was there with my friends T.J and Dessario. (T.J. had actually been my New Year's Kiss a few weeks before.. GOOD GIRL kiss!!)

So we're having a few beers and talking and I ask his name.

Him:  They call me T Baby

Me:    And what did your mother call you? (T Baby sounded like a thug name)

Him:  Theron. Theron Ford.

And I told him my name and we proceeded to discuss generalities such as families and jobs, etc.

As he told me his stories, he fed into all of the stereo-typical thug things.  Several kids, several baby mama's, traveled, didn't really stay in one place long... 

I wanted to not like him, but I did.  He has the most beautiful smile and kindest eyes. So we talked for hours.

And we sang... first song he sang? "Devil Went Down to Georgia."  

And when Mack's closed, we all went to JT's to dance.  Mind you, I would rather dance at church than in a bar, but I did dance with him once. He (of course) sang to me while we danced. I don't know who sang it, but the words were, "You want it, I got it, baby you can have whatever you like.."

I knew then that if this was something that lasted more than just that night, it wouldn't be temporary, but forever.  Something I had to really think about.  

Then he asked for my phone number.  I wouldn't give it to him.  I still believed he might just be a player so I gave him my Yahoo Chat ID, which we could both do from our phones.

And I left the bar that night with my friend, Kim.  No kiss, just a hug. And I wondered if I would hear from him again.

The times they are a changing

This was my profile blurb 3 years ago... Quick version: I am in my late 30's, divorced, and have two children. Through the grace of God, I keep them fed, clothed and housed... which is not easy! ************* Longer version??? ********* Life is complicated but joyful over all... Even when I get overwhelmed. That sometimes makes things very hard. I have been a Christian for years and for the last couple, I was believing in Christ, but not LIVING in Christ. I finally got hit with one of God's spit balls in my eye enough times to get back into line with how I should be living and I'm getting there, little by little... This blog is of my journey... NOW... I am 40. And I apparently have ANOTHER birthday coming up.  Not really fair since only the first few months after my birthday were reasonably good. I will probably have a do over.